Phil's Trusty Racoon Facts of the Day
28 July 2017
Hi. My name is Phil.
I moved from Melbourne to Toronto six months ago, with my fiancé Lily. She got offered a transfer for work. It was pretty exciting. I was ready for the cold there. The Hockey (the Ice Hockey), the maple syrup, the endless sorry’s and eh’s from everyone. But I wasn’t ready for one thing.
Don’t be fooled by those bandit mask wearing rodents who sweetly look at you yearning to be loved like we all do. No instead they are Lucifer the dark lord himself processing some fluffy life form to take over this world and bring us all to hell.
Let me lay out some facts for you.
Raccoons will steal your possessions and ultimately your soul.
Raccoons have human like hands and possess amazing dexterity that gives them the ability to open doors, jars bottles and latches. #checkyourfrontdoor
They will go through your bins (#noprivacy), renovate/destroy your home (#DIY), and take anything they can get their hands on – their human like hands (#criminals)
Raccoons will eat babies.
I’ve said it. It’s true. They will at least try. Michigan, USA, a raccoon ate a baby’s face off whilst it was sleeping in its crib. IT ATE HER FACE. What the actual F?
Think YOU are safe, friends in Edinburgh?
There are thought to be a handful of raccoons on the loose in the UK. The danger is that they will breed and establish themselves. They go at it like rabbits and love a family model (very much like the Australian government). So they will take over this land too. There already have been some mystery sightings in the Highlands! Imagine them Fringe Time. Eating so many crepes out of bins with their human like hands and consuming enough fried food to last them a life time. Because they will eat anything – even haggis. Maybe even some vomit from one of the stag parties going on in town right now. They may even be programming their own festival in August called the Royal Revelry of Raccoons. It’s a slippery slope friends. But you have been warned. A wily raccoon went on the rampage around a family's home after finding its way inside through a catflap in Northampton just this year. THIS YEAR!! It’s happening friends. Arm yourselves for battle.
They could be lurking outside right now.
Lock your doors.
Close the blinds.
I know a place where its dark and we can protect you.
Raton Laveur joins Assembly Festival at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe to protect you from 3-27 August 2017 at 14:25 @ Assebmly Roxy Upstairs. See more of Phil and Raton Laveur here!